Bz
tHoUgHtS & kISSeS
This is my world. BZ's world
My loudspeaker.
An outlet for my emotions.
Packing... These few weeks I have been cleaning and packing up my stuff. Remember there was a fire accident recently? The old couple had stashed too much stuff at their house that it had made their escape from the burning house difficult. There was a follow up article that discussed about such mentality -- the hoarders mentality. Basically, there may be several reasons why someone stash so many irrelevant stuff (as viewed by others). I realised I'm a hoarder too, I kept recipes, tickets, pieces of papers, packaging, brochures all these years because I feel that it will be come to use later or it contains part of my memories. So I've been trying to throw away stuff.. not all of them, but some of the more irrelevant ones.. As I am cleaning up my rooms and drawers, I found several gifts and letters that I ought to send them out long ago, from farewell gifts to souvenirs to love letters. It made me realise time had changed. People in my life come and go. Although I know there's no point keeping such stuff anymore as these people had left my life somehow or another and there's no way I can send them such stuff anymore (wouldn't it be ridiculous to send them a farewell card after years since the farewell party??), I will still keep them. Perhaps it will come to a day where I can let them all go and keep them in my heart. I'm such a emo girl, I know. Name:
Should I go create a food blog, since everyone I knew knows that I loved to eat? I saw a blog today that simply blew me away! Beautiful blog, beautiful owner who loves yummy food, travelling and is a graduate in computer science! (http://sparklette.net/) And she looks so slim! Argh. life isn't always fair.. (Maybe I should heed Dan's advise and get moving).
I'm dumb at designing blogs, even though I took programming in school as an extra course (which I still owe the teacher my projects -- which he going to kill me soon). How dumb is dumb? Well, I had to pester my younger sis to help me upload pictures and change my blog skin everytime. Everytime she'll go "very easy lah, jus like this then like that loh". -.-
And ALBT, stop eating the food before I snap them!
Resolution:
- go get my sis to teach me how to place pictures in a blog
- read up on how to design a nice blog??
- bring the camera along with me
- change the habit of writing too much with no illustration
What do you think? Would you like a BZ food blog?
I was just casually commenting that I'm surprise that LHL knew about blogs and Internet when my young brother said, "because he is the expert". I rebuked his words, saying that politicians need not equal to experts. He shot me down with this: "You are not an expert either, university = experts".
To tell you the truth, his words hurt. I wanted to fly into a rage there and then but I held back. It is the truth and the truth hurts. This is not a new thinking, nor a revelation of some sort.
It doesn't fail to haunt me nor give me a break. This failure of mine. Failed to get into University. Every time someone got to know that I went polytechnic after I failed to go to a Singapore University here, they’ll somehow say the same thing "Oh, won't you be wasting two years of your life? Will you be going to a University after your poly education?" I felt as if I’m branded a failure, so early in my life. I can't imagine the social stigma my brother will face in the future.
It is true that people perceive that University graduates are better. If not why the difference in pay? Why the difference in rank at work?
If I had that money, I will go to an oversea University with my grades. I didn't fail my A Levels and there are people with worst grades than me but studying overseas. But they have money, I didn't. My dad didn't want me to go to a private University either because he felt that it is much more expensive and less established.
It made me sad. Because I can feel the struggles I will have to make in the future, just to prove my worth that are not stated in my paper qualifications. Perhaps I'll venture oversea in the future, to look for a society who will accept me.
Perhaps there is no such place out there after all.
I was reading my previous blogs and I realise 80 to 90 percent of my blogs were about my depressing thoughts. Well, I think I'm more motivated to write about my feelings when I'm down. I've been busy lately (busy staring at the computer or the ceilings at home apparently, when I'm suppose to revise for my exams). I want to blog about the last show at the clementi cinema before it is closed, I want to blog about what happened to me when I'm with ShihPei yesterday (I think she's my "happy magnet") , I want to blog about the most "un-BBQ" BBQ seafood I've eaten.... Please remind me ya? Before I forgot and cast these happier memories aside.
Aijiri said to me, "The change will change again."
I couldn't agree more.
I'm afraid of seeing people. I dunno what's wrong, I dunno how to react to people anymore. I feel so jaded.
It's already 1:23 am yet I'm still at the first page of my revision. I know I'm going to die for tomorrow's exams. I've been doing nothing whole day, sleep and eat. I asked ALBT if he's going to support me if I repeat my module this year. Support as in marry me and support me financially and emotionally. He said he's afraid I'll go kuku if I stays at home in the future. I think he's afraid I'll burn the whole house down or something.
I hate Marketing modules and Marketing teachers. In fact, I dislike most of the business teachers here. It's affecting my passion to learn. Why must we memorise?
Sis's mad at me for leaving all the trash around the living room -- food wrappers and tissue papers. She asked me if I'm expecting her to clear it. I dun intend to let her clear it. In fact, I just wanted to leave them alone. It doesn't matter if the trash goes in the trash can anymore. It doesn't matter if my life goes to the dumps anymore.
I want to run away.
It hurts. My heart.
I hate you for your cruelty.
I hate myself for being such a wimp.
My dreams, once so beautiful, dashed.
I can't trust.
I'm at the bottom, you're at the top.
Will I be happier if I'm retarded from the start?
Perhaps then I wouldn't feel that much.
Or comprehend that much.
Move on?
Anyone can say that.
Move mov mo m...
If everyone can move on, there will be no heartache in this world.
BULLSHIT
It dawned upon me that every decisions in our lives can change not only ours, but others life as well. Like a ripple effect. Everyone's interlinked.
Memories are all that's left. There's no reality, only pieces of what-ifs.
I was suppose to make a presentation on "devoid". But I can't recognise "devoid". It was disguised as "dev" or "devd". I blundered up the whole presentation and everyone wants to throttle my throat.
It was a disturbing dream. Does it mean anything?
I had an Australian teacher for my literature in Secondary Two and I liked literature even though I'm completely clueless when it comes to appreciating poetry. I didn't take Literature as an O-Level subject as I got a low C for it (I almost got full marks for my analysis and interpretation of Hamlet but almost zero for the poems-- I didn't understand what the poem meant.. a boy who swallowed a string or something.. )
I found one of my poems (I remembered we are suppose to do 5 and I found one of them)..
***
Stone
I found him in the garden,
Where he lies silently still.
As silent as he could,
As still as he should.
He whispers the tales of long ago,
Of Kings, Queens and Knights.
And when dinosaurs were still alive,
Roaming around even at night.
***
I aren't sure if the one I found is a draft, cause I remembered there's more than two verse for this poem. I want it to be here, as I'm going to throw the hard copy away.
I remembered I liked all the Hamlet assignments, even though I don't really remember the story anymore. Here's one of the assignments I did... We are to imagine that we are King Claudius and to write a diary...
***
SECRET DIARY OF KING CLAUDIUS
Date: 1st December 1600 (imaginary date)
Dear Diary...
You should know what happened today. There was a play today arranged by Hamlet. It's unbelievable to think that Hamlet should have known about my plan -- to kill my brother! I loved my brother, but I love the crown and Gertude even more.. Ah... Gertude, she is so lovely, shouldn't have been married to that wood-block brother of mine.
To think my nephew -- my half-son now, should have news about it. Wasn't he studying overseas at that time? How did he manage to find out? Am I showing that I am guilty as I departed just now? Maybe staying to watch would have been a wiser choice. Why did Hamlet not follow us as we departed? He must up to some plots against me. I should be more aware of him in the future. He is definitely not a mad chap as he seems to be now.
No matter what, the fame, fortune and Gertude are what I have dreamed and wished for. I will not let my brother's son have them. No matter what!
But why does he have to do that? He could have killed me without all this arrangement. Is he stalling for time? Why should he do that? Why should he pretend that he has gone mad for Ophelia's love?
Oh Hamlet, is that you that arranged it? The play... it's exactly the same as what I had done to Hamlet (the late-king). Oh God, did you arrange it?
Teacher's comment:
Good effort. You've really tried to become Claudius in all his uncertainty in this activity.
***
Ha, I've always been a drama queen. I love to imagine I'm someone else and act he or she out since young. I love to imagine and daydream... Hee…
I found a "fortune telling paper" I did long ago. Remember those machines with a spooky witch-look-a-like machine and a crystal ball inside them and you had to key in your personal particulars? I could still remember where and when I did it once I saw that piece of paper. I was in Secondary Two and Anna was accompanying me after school. We were in Clementi central. And if I aren't wrong, the machine I had my predictions were around Clementi KFC. I remembered I asked about my love life. The words on the paper are now fading.. This was the prediction for me...
___________________________________________________
Birthday:
Gender: Female
Year of Birth: 1985
NOVEMBER 30 1999 13:40
You tend to fall in love at first sight. And once you fall in love you act according to your feelings. You possess strong mental strengths to overcome obstacles. But when you are refused, you do not pursue the relationship further. Your pride does not allow you to act as if you had a lingering feeling within you.
You had a very one track love in the past. Your dreams are almost perverse. Since you have such wild crazy ideas about a relationship, you had a decadent affair with your lover.
Your love fortune is declining and you will be crushed by your sadness. You will be shocked by the unfriendly attitude of your lover and you will feel lonely even after you have spent the night together. Emotion will only bring confusion. For now, you can only persevere.
Life has its unlucky moments. Do not think you are the only one who is unhappy. Try to find a way out. A little scratch may develop into a major scar in your relationship, so be sure to cure all your scratches fast. You may experience a little loneliness but you must solve this alone.
Every road you travel will be riddled with obstacles. There is no clear cut cause, but there will be misunderstandings and arguments. Your future looks dark, or the time being. You must wait calmly for your fortune to take its turn for the better.
___________________________________________________
Geez, I didn't know I had perverted dreams, now that I know the meanings to those "chim" words then. Ha..
Hmm.. what other treasures will I find today?
Why do I remember all those memories that were long forgotten by others?
Have you forgotten those memories, my dear friends?
I told my "I'm positive" story (read previous post) to my project group member today during our discussion and she told me her friend's encounter with her tuition kid. Her friend was teaching (aren't sure if she still does) a Korean boy english and she asked him, "Where's your head?" The kid pointed to his package.
Boy oh boy...
Had two funny encounters with two kids lately.
Last Sunday I was late for my class and when I entered the classroom, all the kids greeted me! This year's class was a pleasant one compared to the previous batch (there's no freedom then to speak of as another experienced volunteer was literately dictating what I'm suppose to do there). I was surprised to see Hubert wearing a paper crown -- "the Hubert crown" because it has his name on it. He said he went for his Sunday class and they are celebrating birthdays for those born in the first half of the year (Jan to June).
I was sitting beside the kids when the other volunteer ask the kids to split into two groups. Hubert said "I want her in my group! She's a children too (should be child). I'm Primary One and she's Secondary Two." I was soo so soosooooo happy (laughing to myself) when I heard that. 14 years old was like so sooosoooo long ago.. Geez..
Hubert put his crown over my head and said, " Hmmm.. you're a Queen! "The Hubert Queen"!" Lol, no one had ever called me a queen (not even a princess).
*****
I had my tuition just now and was asking Eugene (a.k.a the Kid) what's the meaning of "fang wen" in English. He replied, "hmm.. in.. te.. in...".
"Interrogate? That's a negative word. "Fang wen" is "interview"."
"I'm negative? You're positive? Oh my god, you're PREGNANT! Ha..." (I think he watched too many chinese serial drama...." -.- He started a mini drama there and then by feigning surprise looking at his invisible pregnancy test kit.. ( Dun ask me what kids learn today..)
After awhile, I asked him what's the meaning of "huai yi". Seeing that he struggled for some time but still can't give me the answer, I told him that it means suspect. He started to form sentence with it.. "Wo huai yi ni shi nan ren." (I suspect that you're a man) Joining in the fun, I replied in my "Nat King Cole" voice, "Zhen de ma?" (Really?) Then he said.. "Oh my god, you're a monster! You're a man and you're positive.. ARgh.. Argh.."
When I bade them goodbye (them as in Eugene and his mom), he stuffed his pillow under his shirt and start prancing round the living room to tease me... Boy oh boy...
