Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Thank you.

Shih Pei and Kok Luei saved a damsel in distress today (--> me)! Dear Shih Pei was almost on her way home when I called her today at the eleventh hour, asking her answers to the tutorial (didn't go for any of the tutorials that were to be tested today). Instead of giving me the answers, she volunteered to stay back in school to teach me! So sweet of her! Dear Kok Luei rushed down to the school library the moment she received a sms from me saying "help, im a dead meat.".. (Forgot to clarify my sms)...

Thanks Shih Pei (B1) and Kok Luei!

The meaning of friends.

5:49 PM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I suspect that I have depression.

I contemplated on how to kill myself yesterday. To jump down from the building? To cut my wrist? To suffocate myself to death? To hang myself? I can't kill myself in my parent's apartment. It will affect their apartment's selling price.

So I just sat there in front of the computer and cried for hours. I dunno what is wrong with me, I can't comprehend. All I know is I feel really hurt and the tears won't drop falling. I can't keep a smiley face to anyone, anymore. I can't hide the fact that I going demented anymore. I can't function anymore. Should I just go and die? Or should I go surrender myself to IMH? Those pain I'm feeling all these years seemed to have exploded. I dunno why I became so sensitive and volatile. I can't find the happy BZ that I was two years ago. I can't interact with others anymore. I can't put up a mask to hide my vunerability anymore.

All I did was to do my best I can for everything. To strive for excellency. I didn't realise that the way I did it was wrong. I didn't keep a check on my temper or behaviour. This is my fault. But I don't think I deserved alienation that I experienced then. Or even exploitation that I'm experiencing now. No one understands me.

I want to cut myself off from everyone. The wake-up call came when ALBT yelled at me. He asked me why am I holding all these bad memories, why am I doing this to him and myself. Why am I doing these to those who truly loved me. He said it pains him to see me working so hard to get criticised in the end. He said he would pay for me to transfer school if that helps me. The way he was behaving at his wit's end scares me. Why am I doing this to someone who loves me? Why am I tearing away his sanity together with mine?

I decided to find BZ back.

1:58 PM

Emotional.
I failed in everything.

To my classmates:
Sometimes I wonder why I did so much in the first place. To be despised. To be alienated.
I feel so manipulated and exploited. And I know, I brought it upon myself. Because I edit your work. For my fucking benefit only?

ALBT, I think this is the last straw.
I never insulted you when I'm angry. Not even when I'm hysterical.
But you went too far.
I can be the girl who goes your house to pack for you. I hope it is likewise. But I'm wrong. It's a male chauvanist world I'm living in right?
I would be less emotional if you can stop insulting me when I'm down.
I know you will never read this. You never bother.

Goodbye, people.
No more BZ to bother you in your life.

1:25 AM