Bz
tHoUgHtS & kISSeS
This is my world. BZ's world
My loudspeaker.
An outlet for my emotions.
It has been some time that I ever felt so lonely. Perhaps it is still a mistake to join. All I wanted is to give myself the opportunity to learn more about Singapore and the opportunity to know more friends. I did not know my limits. My bad broken English. BZ the bad conversationalist.
I have alot of things to say. But was I given the chance to say it? No one understands what I am saying anyway.
I'll stop trying.
P.S. I wouldn't have any tag board on my blog anymore. No one uses them and they simply deleted it away anyway. I'll talk to myself.
Society and Education
I was reading an article whereby the author, Fareed Zakaria mentioned that his friend had recently brought his children back from America and put them in one of the Singapore's well-known school and was saw the difference between American education culture and Singapore education culture. " In the American school, when my son would speak up, he was applauded and encouraged. In Singapore, he's seen as pushy and weird. The culture of making learning something to love and engage in with gusto is totally absent. Here it is a chore. Work hard, memorize and test well."
These words struck a chord in me. Thinking back of the school life I had experienced when I was a young BZ, all I did was to keep quiet in class and pray hard that the teacher would not ask to answer any question. Questions raised were seemed as stupid questions. Blunders made were magnified. Schools terrified me then (still do). Somewhere down the line, I ceased to think. There were model answers and model essays. Why bother? The teachers had THE STANDARD answers in their answer sheet. I happily stayed in my comfort zone. I was like a sponge - absorb all the information required for tests and squeeze them all out after tests. I can frankly say that I don't remember much after the tests. I don't think I can proudly proclaim that I have benefited from the education then. It had turned me into a parrot -- merely regurgitating what the most people were saying. It didn't encourage me to think further. Education is viewed as a passport to jobs in the future. What was written in the report book every half a year became the most important element in the education process.
There were only THREE teachers in my life that truly taught me the joy of learning. First, my Primary 6 Chinese teacher, who came out with lots of materials of her own. She didn't stop at what she ought to teach by the guideline. She went all out to teach us Chinese idioms and Chinese sayings. She encouraged us to apply what we have learnt in our essays. She printed out Chinese song lyrics and told us that learning Chinese is not to be viewed as a tedious process and we can learn Chinese in our everyday lives. She went an extra mile to prepare games or puzzles for us to do in class. Mind you, this took place during the 90s, where Chinese language is viewed secondary in our education by most people then.
Second, it was my Secondary 4 CDAC English tuition teacher. He printed newspaper articles for us to read in class and asked us questions like "Who or what is considered a beauty?" to make us think out of the box, when most teachers would ask us to concentrate on writing descriptive or narrative stories in our examinations. He entertained all my nonsense questions in class without viewing them as nonsense. He encouraged class participation. He was the one who told me "the process presides over the outcome". I wonder if this young teacher is still pursuing his dreams now or has he lost his passion for teaching like some young teachers did.
Last but not least, my writing class teacher in polytechnic. It was an elective module, not a core module. He encouraged us to analyse what the writer was trying to say and asked us our views on the various literacy works he had printed out for us to read. He is very encouraging in asking us to speak out our views and was not critical of what we had to say.
It is very sad to say that there are only three teachers who had truly inspired me in my long, grueling sixteen years of education. I feel that teachers have a very important role to play in education. It is not an easy task to teach and inspire. The society has a important part to play in shaping our education system. Grades were still deemed to be omnipotent. Society pressures the school to concentrate on academic results only. Although there have been several changes made to the education system in these years, it still takes time for the society to change. I’m waiting in anticipation for more changes to be made in the education system here. If not, Singaporean youths will lose out in the global world out there in the future, sooner or later, where it is talent meritocracy and not exam meritocracy. Singapore still has a long way to go before it can truly be known an education hub internationally.
Adulthood
I'm going to step into adulthood officially in half a year’s time.
Yet the flashbacks of my life aren't happy.
Both as a teenager and a child.
I feel so trapped in my life.
I just want to live my life as I like.
But reality is different from dreams.
Why am I such an idealist?
Why am I so sensitive?
Why can't I forgive those who pushed me down?
Why can't I forget those who let me down?
Being fat has hurt my soul badly.
All those ridicules and comments I had to bear since young.
Is fat a sin just because I aren't your modern perception of beauty?
I feel so emotional again.
I want to learn how to dance, without anyone laughing at my clumsy moves.
I want to run in the tracks with the wind blowing on my face, without anyone laughing at how slow I am.
Being poor has deprived me of my thirst for knowledge.
I want to learn music and study arts, but I aren't got the money to indulge in such luxuries.
I want to travel to many countries..
Why are some born with a silver spoon yet I aren't?
I just want to be me.
I don't wanna care if anyone likes me or not.
I don't wanna care if anyone thinks I'm dumb or not.
I don't wanna care if I seem like a freak to you.
I don't dress for you.
I dress for myself.
Don't tell me if I'm underdressed, because you aren't worth my time to see me in my better clothes.
The older I am, the more weary I got.
Why give me the knowledge to comprehend, but not the courage to be oblivious?
Oblivious to your stares and smirks.
Have I ever told you guys my dreams are very very realistic? Well, I was having a juicy dream (kissing, holding hands only, not your kind of wet dreams ya?) when my brother woke me up this morning! I was so exasperated! Oh... my love... my darling... :'(
Over the MSN today...
Happy:"i had weird dream! i dream that i was reading ur blog haha"
BZ:"Omg! Haha.."
Happy:"and then somehow i saw my name in it o.O;;"
BZ says:"icic. this is so funny! lol"
Happy:"so weird! haven't ever dreamed about reading ppl's blog"
BZ:"haha. i have to write this.haha..."
Happy:"'don't u feel weird ppl dreaming about ur blog?"
BZ:"i feel flattered. lol."
Happy:"just me saying it makes me feel like i have this "stalker" identity dormenting inside"
BZ:" haha, nah..im the true stalker."
Happy:" :O well the stalker has became the stalkee"
BZ:"haha... cos im stalking u, so u feelmy presence in ur dream"
Happy:"intimidating.."
BZ:" :P"
P.S. Happy, your name is here now.. :P
This is not the first time that a taxi uncle told ALBT about men must control women and about how many girlfriends they have after getting married after I left the cab. Apparently they are appalled by my behaviour. Well, I admit I can get a bit over the top at times (meaning my temper), but I aren't beating up ALBT or hurling vulgarities at him at the public. Neither am I violent with him, like pinching him or smashing his head to da wall. I'm just grouchy at times (well, most of da times). And I know he dotes on me of course.
I can't accept suggestions like woman have to give in to her man in front of others just because.. ta dah, he's a man... That's bullshit. BULLSHIT to the core. I would give him my respect if he deserve it. Situations like asking me to go home alone at 3am because he needs to go back together with his best friend would definately get a tongue lashing from me. LOW CRIME DOESN'T MEAN NO CRIME, dude.
So men are suppose to sing, drink and be merry while we women are to stay at home sewing clothes, fussing about the children while wasting there youth and beauty at the kitchen. NO WAY. We aren't no slave. Slavery was aborted in Asia eons ago. This is a post-feminist society here. I have heard enough of abusive relationships whereby the husband is a gambler, womanizer or drunkard. But why do these women stayed on? Just because he is THE MAN of the family? Bullshit. A real gentleman never treats his lady like this. Nor any other woman in such horrible behaviour.
Well, I think I diverted from the topic. Everyone is different. Every girl is different too. So don't use your old traditional thinking about what a woman should be and apply it on every girl you see. If every girl thinks and act the same, wouldn't it be a Barbie world outside? Same face, same figure, same beau (Ken).
I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.
Life in plastic, is fantastic.
And I don't condone cheating husbands' behaviour.
I've the compulsion to bite anyone who tries to mislead ALBT. Literally. GRRrr...
