Bz
tHoUgHtS & kISSeS
This is my world. BZ's world
My loudspeaker.
An outlet for my emotions.
I shall be happy and stop questioning my self-worth. I'm happy with who I am and what I am. Not happy? Beat it.
Thanks for those who advised me/ gave me different views about it. Sorry, I know I'm driving you peeps to the wall when I was wallowing in self-pity. I shall not and will not waste my time and tears again.
Let us grow in strength & wisdom. With HEART and SOUL we do our best... ~Primary school song
We look ahead. ~Primary school motto
But it made me realise something. They don't know that I speak animatedly or agitatedly when I'm frustrated or is very passionate about something. Fine. I thought they are my close friend therefore I showed my true feelings to them. I'm so foolish again.
They thought I enjoyed tormenting myself by editing their work They thought I loved the limelight. Pui. If they aren't so passive, I wouldn't need to be so active in work.
And I NEVER bitch to others that I'm tired of doing most of the planning/thinking/decision-making/editing until this incident happen. Were they making use of me all this time? Were they? Again I question the meaning of friendship.
If they say that they are throwing all the responsibilities to me because they thought I loved to take all the burden, they ought to be shot. What were they doing when I'm slacking around? Pushing me to start discussion/allocate work/say some crap... So I'm domineering? Ok. Now I know I'm not only domineering, I'm STUPID.
And they apparently are superficial friends, she said. And that I shouldn't be affected by them. How not to? I'm questioning all my principles, beliefs and thinking in life all over again. Is it me? Is it me? Is it me? Is it me? Is it me? Is it me?
IS IT ME?!?!?!?!?
Collective power is scary. I feel as if I'm right under Godzilla's feet. Helpless.
Friend, will you hold me when I fall?
Who are you to judge me? What criteria are you using? Did you know me that well?
Apparently I thought you did know me well. I thought this type of friendships would be long lasting. But you stabbed me in the back. Again and again.
It's fine if you are unhappy with me. Say it out loud. Don't make me realise that after so long. Don't let me hear it from others. Don't tell them what kind of character I am. YOU FUCKING DON'T KNOW ME. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHO AM I!
Domineering. Pui. I'm like that because you gave me all the responsibilities. Ask ANYONE in my Primary/Secondary/Junior College if I'm domineering. I can swear that they wouldn't use domineering to describe me. Most probably they would use all other negative word to describe me but NEVER domineering.
It was you who shaped my character. It was you who let this side of me show. It was you who don't want to take responsibilities yet want to exel. You are always politically correct. I'm always not.
I do not need to hear from the whole wide world what you unhappy about me. BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME AT ALL.
I really do not understand.
I should keep mum.
Why make myself miserable?
Why do I care?
Why do I get so bothered?
Confuscious said "Do upon others what you want others to do upon you."
Apparently it doesn't apply to the world I live in anymore.
Everyone is for themselves. The world is theirs.
I sense the coldness.
I'm freezing.
Friends that I once thought was friends.
"You're weird."
"You think too much."
Lovers that I once thought was lovers.
"You're demented."
"You're mad."
"What do you want?"
Don't ask me for opinions then stab me by saying I'm such a perfectionist/slave driver and all those bullshit. I can swore to the sky, the trees and even the earth that whatever parts you did, I did more than you. Please, stop tormenting me. I play no games of yours.
Don't say you love me when you don't want to understand my thoughts. I'm no one's puppert. I don't need companionship nor sympathy.
Don't pile responsibilities on me so as to point fingers at me if anything goes wrong. Unless you pay me millions, I tolerate no bullshit like this.
I told ALBT that I want to be a plant next life. He just shrug it off. Well, I meant it.
I'm tired.
Everybody is just telling me that I'm thinking too much.
But did anyone know why exactly or what exactly I'm thinking?
I wouldn't listen to you and force you to listen to me anymore.
I'll talk to myself.
I'll go walk my own path.
Sometimes I use my madness to hide my sadness, "lameness" to hide my sorrow, anger to hide my disappointment...
But the tears are real...
Let me go.
BZ: lol
BZ:how much is tt
ALBT: SGD$350
BZ: for both of us?
ALBT: yes
BZ: how much is one sing dollar equals to? (NOTE : first time I asked this question)
BZ: hmm..
BZ: i'll chip in 100 if i can
ALBT: SGD$350 = Baht$8,421.49
BZ: i wanna go massage
BZ: SGD $1 = ? (NOTE : second time I asked)
ALBT: y?
ALBT: eight thousand not enough ah?
BZ:i asking the rate
ALBT: http://sg.finance.yahoo.com/currency (if he is checking the rates, why cant he JUST tell me the rates after i asked two times prior this?)
BZ: S$1 = ? (NOTE: third time..)
BZ: i jus bring 100 there
BZ: jus incase bah
BZ: in sing dollar loh
ALBT: 24.0600
ALBT: 24.0600 x100 (you understand what the F he meant?)
BZ:i only ask the currency rate
BZ: and i asked so so so many itmes
BZ: argh
ALBT: 24 baht la
BZ: I GO CHECK MYSLF NOW
ALBT:u dun understand, and u wan t o fault ppl
BZ: (below is copy an paste from prior conversation)
one time --> BZ:how much is one sing dollar equals to ?
second time --> BZ: SGD $1 = ?
third time --> S$1 = ?
(His defence:)
ALBT: then i say:
ALBT:24.0600 x ur 100 dollar la
BZ:i asked for ONE Dollar
ALBT:u dun understand
BZ:not in others
ALBT:then it 24 la
ALBT:see u understand???
ALBT: 1 = 24 baht la!
ALBT: get it?
ALBT:
......
BZ: (here I typed what he typed in the earlier conversation)
ALBT: 24.0600
ALBT: 24.0600 x100BZ: not what u typed --> 24.0600 x ur 100 dollar la
BZ: and it is aft 3 times then u typed this
ALBT:diao
ALBT:can't u find it urself
ALBT:wat yahoo there for?
BZ: THEN WHAT ARE U FOR ?
ALBT: ......
ALBT:Bye
ALBT:good night
PS. Do not mind the bad english displayed. If HE is checking the currency rate too, why can't he just ANSWER MY QUESTION?!?!
Then I might as well go dating with Yahoo instead.
